Obvious, (un)commom: Yoga Rules

I developed these simple guidelines during my Bikram challenge (60 sessions in 60 days). There are other guides. All of which are really very truly sincerely helpful. You’d be dopey not to read these guides.

For example: You will need to hydrate. You have to modify your consumption of caffeine and alcohol (cut it out!). Rest is important, you will need to sleep. Having a laundry machine that works is a great benefit. Vitamins, yep! Whole grains, absolutely! Massive volume of Electrolytes, hell yeah!

In fact, read as much as you can, often. Especially stuff posted by Nora Jeanne. She is a good writer. I think it’s partially due to her listening skills. Good listeners often make good writers.

I read them. They helped a lot. I also made a few of my own. Here they are:

1. Smile. This might be the goofiest of all. But something happens to your brain chemicals when you smile. Frowns make stuff hurt. Smiles make stuff sweet.
2. Think ROI. Oh there are sooo many meditations on this. If you think of money as obessessively as others, then this mediation requires little sweat. This practice is waaaay less expensive than hockey or duck hunting. You’re avoiding expenses related to butt implants. You’ll be able to re-use your sexy college clothes. And if you are really super dope … you’ll get a Tesla. “Momma, give me money.” Isn’t it obvious what Mr. B is teaching us?
3. Show up. Once you get there ask for help. Bikram and other Yogi-peoples are super duper sweet. They practice sweetness. Let them be sweet to you. All you have to do is show up. Like Ice Pick Edy said, you don’t have to be mega-disciplined to do this stuff. You just need to show up. Everyone is looking out for you once you show up.
4. Make a friend. Seeing people you know makes you happy. You cheer for them, they cheer for you. I met a totally sweet person that started the challenge the same day i did. She inspired me in a ton of ways. We’re not ever really friends; acquaintances at best. But she totally motivated me. If you are on a team, great. If not, make a few buddies.
5. Listen. After 20 days, I was bugging out with the repetition of the instructors. On the 23rd day, about to die, I heard something. Mardy said “Breathe Dammit!” (she didn’t say “dammit”, of course not). Our instructors repeat stuff 100s of times, expecting us to “listen” just once. On the 27th day, I did my best to listen, to every word, to every inflection, to every priceless piece of advice. Day 28 was excellent.
6. Mess with your mind! The most challenging part of Bikram is our big fat super smart good for nothing heads. Since it is out to get you, retaliate. Shut it off. Stop thinking. Whenever I am fighting with my mind, I think about gumdrops or pickles. I don’t like gumdrops or pickles, it’s how I punish my mind when it’s misbehaving.
7. Do it for Yourself. I love this one, totally. I got it from Lisa. For the first 30 days, I was doing Bikram for others. I wanted to prove something to Jonathan O. and H. I wanted to show them that I was awesomely excellent. I wanted to show someone special (who left me) that I was disciplined. I wanted to save my friends. I was NOT practicing Bikram for me though. Once I started thinking about myself – how I was benefiting – I began to experience new wondrous things. Give yourself a big huge hug during the “wind removing posture”.
8. Set micro-micro goals. This is a trick I got from ultra trail runs. Don’t think in terms of hours or days or weeks, even minutes. Think in terms of seconds. “I am gonna one more posture.” When you reach the goal, set another, do the next posture. When running 30 miles, I would always look for a tree in the distance. I’d tell myself “Just make it to that tree, then you can stop.” When I got to the tree, I would look for another and keep running. When you are struggling, concentrate on the moment, where you are right now. This is a pretty good way to live.
9. Plan to celebrate success. Celebrate by giving yourself something more challenging. I learned this from a Marine, a real tough dude. After my 27th straight arm pullup, he said. “Way to go! now you try for 30 pullups!” I wanted a t-shirt, but got something better.
10. Be Thankful. Just live that way. Thank everyone. Even the jerkwad that cuts you off on 5th street. The universe has it’s reasons. Thank your instructors. When you say “Namaste” (even if you have no idea what it means, like me!), say it as if you are thanking them for saving your life. Say it with feeling.
11. Stevie Wonder. This is the most important of all. Listen to Stevie Wonder. Buy all of his compilations and listen to Stevie before and after every session. Crank it up. Sing along. Move your spine and shoulders. Sing until you’re eyes fill with tears of joy.
12. Turn off your hot water or even more radical, shut off your plumbing. I actually did this for a few days. Without running water at home, I was forced to go to the studio. I had to shower. An additional value add: You can justify eating out for a few days considering that you can’t wash your dishes.
13. OMG. This was the MOST IMPORTANT ONE of all. But I can’t remember it.
14. Tweak your diet. No “sacred cows”. Really. Nora Jeanne helped me with this. I asked “What should I eat? My endurance is pitifully weak.” She asked me if I was a vegetarian and if yes, for what reason. I liked that she wanted to hear my motives for not eating meat. She suggested that I slowly introduce some meat into my diet. It worked. Plus, I have a new found love for Mr. P. Terry. Those doubles w/cheese are freeking excellent. I am ending this blog right now. I am gonna get my double w/cheese on.
15. In Case of Emergency. Have a bag ready to go. Call it your “no-excuse” bag. Think of it like that storied suitcase pregnant families would put next to the door in case of sudden contractions. One of the easiest reasons not to go somewhere is to think you are not prepared. I have missed class for this reason a few times. Now I have at least one set of towels, water, mat, etc in my car. I have no excuse.
16. Come Early. The oddest part of this practice is that we tend to stress too much about getting there. If possible – fully aware of life’s franticness – show up 20 minutes early, and chill out in the heated room before class. Prepare your mind to stop.
17. You look Awesome. Take it from me, i look like hell in class. Sometimes, I am purple, other times black and blue. I don’t care. More important, neither do you. I am not in class to get dates. I am not there to indulge my inner-narcissus. Bikram is about fading out of your hyper-judgemental dispositions. I like to imagine I am a gazelle or a bird or a leaf blowing in the wind. I go to Bikram to purify my imagination.
18. Dedicate. During the first moments of class, maybe even when you checkin, dedicate your practice to something. A person, an event, a thought, a word. Focus back to this dedication when you are struggling. Imagine your practice is critical to the existence of this dedication.
19. In case you didn’t catch this, the “dead body pose”, the savasana, is the most important of all to get right. Don’t waste a single second. Get into it fast. Go back to breathing controlled.