Ugly, Wet and Free

What does this mean? Where did it come from? Who first stated this? Does anyone know the origins of “Ugly, Wet and Free”???

It happens to be the way I’d like to be remembered when I buy my farm, which in fact I’ll never really buy, because I am a city person, not a farm person.

Sometimes I fantasize about the farming life (not ranching, i love animals, i eat meat remorsefully) but it’s a fantasy. Something I think about it when drivers piss me off, when neighbors gets robbed, when my kids can’t bike ride freely, when I am feeling depressed, when I am reviewing Wikipedia’s List of Paraphilias trying to see if I fit any of the descriptions. But that’s not often enough, so I am staying in the city.

“Ugly, Wet and Free”. The meaning of this phrase really became evident when I blogged about the 12 Rules & Childbirth, my last blog. Baby Lila, after 9 months enuetero (spell check, please help me), in Debby’s belly, blasted out Ugly Wet and Free. Just as my three angels did between 1998 and 2004. I know! it’s a crass description IF you think “ugly”, “wet”, and “free” are crass adjectives. I like them them though. That’s how I’d hope to be remembered when my curtains are pulled. I do have curtains, just not on a farm. New Moms and Dads typically don’t want to hear their newborns are “ugly”. But deep down, they know it. I knew it. They don’t mind hearing that their new releases are “wet and free”. That’s obvious and undeniable.

So, the meaning of “Ugly, Wet and Free” definitely applies to newborns. Where else does it apply? I think it applies to me, sort of.  I want to be ugly. I used to want to be handsome, between the ages of 14 and 27. “Ugly” gives a person freedom. No longer do I worry about how I look today. Don’t care. “Ugly” is my liberator. I like my scarred and cracked hands. I like my swollen and aggravated eyes. I am comfortable with this. My most highly admired superstars in life, people that I’d like to be like when I grow up, are ugly. Liberated, Comfortable, Confident, Wise, and Ugly!

Ugly is also related to the car you drive, the house you live in, the thoughts in your head and the words you speak.   In these cases, ugly does not mean trashy, scummy, incendiary, offensive. I don’t like that type of ugly. In these cases, ugly is a fine balance. You don’t want folks to envy or be jealous of you. You don’t want to burdened by worrying about this either.

If your car is ugly, you don’t worry about someone breaking into it. My cross the street, most supremely awesomest, neighbor, has 2 nicer cars and consistently never rolls the windows up. I am looking at one right now. Windows down and its raining. The potential thief walks right past it. Why? Windows down means nothing valuable. Go ahead, break in, all you’ll get is a breath of moldy air, mixed with dog hair. My car is ugly on the outside. I roll my windows up, and usually lock the doors, but the interior is neat. If someone dents the door, not a big concern. I love my car, maybe in an unhealthy way.

Maybe a good time to get literal.   First, the definitions: Ugly, Wet and Free. Now the synonyms and antonyms: Ugly, Wet and Free. Good stuff. Yum Yum.

Now on to Wet. Why would I want to be wet? I’ve already established that this applies to newborns. This applies to all things that get born, including hatched things. We come into the world covered in guck. There is a better, more accurate term here, but I don’t know it. Guck works. Guck is a messy mix of fluids, some waste, some nutritional, some blood. Combined, it is guck. So newborns are wet with guck. I don’t really to be remembered as someone covered in guck. I want to be remembered as wet.

What “wet” means to me is committed. Fully immersed. Doesn’t imply knowledge or domain expertise. It means that I committed to attaining the knowledge or expertise. I have jumped in. An example. When my kid wets the bed at night, they are declaring that they are fully committed to either not wearing pullups, or not getting out of bed and using the bathroom (in the spooky dark) or possibly that they just want to piss me off. Another obvious example, when I get around to, once every few days, taking a shower, I am fully committed to getting entirely wet (and squeaky clean). Not just the fancy head, not just the beautifully scuplted belly, not just my misleadingly small feet. Whole body wet. Wet until the hot water supply goes out, which is about 6 minutes in our house. The previos 2 examples aren’t really making the case, too obvious.

Here’s another implied meaning of “wet”. Wet is a controlled, confident statement of ignorance. Wet is me stating either implicitly or really not, that I don’t know what I am doing. This paragraph is a materialization of the point. I don’t know what I am doing with this blog, with this section, with this paragraph, with this sentence, with this word. I am wet right now. I do not know what I am doing. Although, I am 1. demonstrating that I don’t know, 2. admitting ignorance, 3. but fully committed.

My marriage is wet, my fathering skills are wet, my business plan is wet, my education is wet, my car is wet, my future goals are wet, my past experiences were drenched, and so much more.

Being wet or fully committed isn’t so bad, most folks don’t mind if they are described that way. Admitting to ignorance is a separate matter. Admitting to ignorance places me in risky position. Some folks may play power games, look down or shrug off or not listen. So, when admitting ignorance, I usually flash some bling if necessary. For example, not mine, when we were growing up, the 10 year old girl declared to my 8 year old eldest brother that she could run faster. His response, “Let’s see who can pee the furthest.” Bling. In other cases, the bling is not needed.

Free.  Well, depending on where you live in the world, “free” has alot of variations.  A woman in Afganistan, who has removed her Burka, may feel free.  To me, the best description of free, the most accurate, comes for an overdosed and dead lady.  “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”.    I have throught about this for several weeks,  and there is no better defintion.  M-W online dictionary defines free as “1 a: having the legal and political rights of a citizen b: enjoying civil and political liberty <free citizens> c: enjoying political independence or freedom from outside domination d: enjoying personal freedom : not subject to the control or domination of another“.  Not what I am thinging about.

“Free” to me, simply means not afraid of being yourself.  Blurting out whatever you want, whenever you want, without fear.  Throughout life, I have been very NOT free. Due to social constraints, fear of losing a job, fear of hurting someone’s feelings, I have been NOT free.  But once you lose your job, once all your friends have gone their own way, once you’re left with yourself, free becomes something fantastic.  Nowadays, if there is something that I want to say,  I say it.

A better example of Free is told by old ladies.  Women, in the US, haven’t been free for a while.  I remember when I was young, my mom would say that she couldn’t wait until she was 80+ until she could spit on the street without caring.  I, of course, thought it was a weird thing to hear when I was 10, becuase I was spitting everywhere.  But she was talking about her freedom.  The point in her life where she’d be comfortable, liscensed to spit on the sidewalk.  Allison’s Grandmother, who very recently passed away, had a funny story when she was in the nursing home.  She said something along the lines of “I can say whatever I want, I am 92″.  It was probably to an underserving nurse, but Grammy was free.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.  Freedom is great.  When you aren’t worried about something (your car getting busted into, your home getting robbed, loosing your job, failure, being poor, etc.) getting taken from you, you are free.  I feel free today.  Free to act just like me.

That’s probably enough about what the words mean ane why they are important to me.  Now on to the origin.

This will take a few sentences.  A guy I worked with at the Washingtonpost.com named Chris signed my going away football, in big, bold letters “Ugly, Wet and Free!”  In Dec 2000, I had never heard this, and didn’t understand, @ 27 yrs old, what he meant.  11 years later, it’s clear.  He is a genious.  He won’t talk to me anymore, and I am not sure why.  As far as I know, this quote is his.  I give him credit for it.  It’s possible tht he heard it in a song, or read it in an article.  Who knows.  But as it turns out, his going away message, on my cheap going away football, has changed my goal in life.

I want to be Ugly, I want to be Wet and I want to be Free.  I want to be that today.  I want to be that tomorrow.  I want that on my tombstone, although I dont want the tombstone.  I just want my dead body to be buried in the earth, no coffin.  I want a tree planted in the soil above my body, I want to feed the tree and grow with it.