Following is an ongoing list of stuff that I am learning from a long term relationship. Much of it is obvious. But usally the barest truths take the longest to understand. I don’t claim to understand these things. Rather, I think I have an elevated understanding compared to how I looked at it several years ago.
The Basics
- Don’t quit the “I” for the sake of “Us”.
- Don’t argue over memories.
- Assume that you don’t know everything.
- Be a tree, not a tree hugger.
- Assume that what “I” like is not the same as what “you” like.
The Expanded Version
1. Relationships are like trees. There are years where there is tons of healthy rain and the rings are thick. There are also drought years. The tree remains standing beyond our own human years.
2. Maintaining yourself, your personal identity, is totally important. For too long I was under the assumption that our relationship was about developing “us” and creating an “us” identity.
In this endeavor, I lost the ability to discern what “I” wanted over the wants of “us”. It is possible that the “us” focus is completely necessary in the first several years of a relationship.
There is a point though, that I wanted to return to “I” and I had forgotton what “I” wanted. I think this is probably where alot of folks bail from the relationship. They lament that “I” couldn’t do something and conjecture that “us” is to blame. “‘Us’ got in the way of my ‘I’ aspirations,” we wrongly conclude.
The reality, hazed in false disappointment, is that “us” was a critical path to understanding “I”. Without “us”, it would be unlikely that I would yearn to understand “I”. The challenge is returning to “I” without cutting off the “us”. The “us” is a unique bond of two individual “I”s.
3. Just becuase “I” am into it, it doesn’t mean that “we” need to be into it. Men take different vitamins than women. Women have different chemicals coursing through their bodies. Women and Men look at the same object and notice – typically – much different things.
So, when I take improv classes at Coldtowne Conservatory and experience deep self reflection, I should NOT expect that you should experience the same. Similarly, when you take screen printing classes, and feel a peaceful co-existence with the universe, you should NOT expect me to feel the same.
There are experiences that naturally, without persuasions, occur when two people in a committed relationship, experience something together. They unify in awe over a poem or a piece of art. We may have been awed for different reasons which is less significant. What matters is we were in “awe” together, at the same time, most likely holding hands.
4. Don’t ever vent about their parents. Often, I will speak with great frustrations about my extended family. For example, I might say, “My Aunt is trying to kill all of us”. When you repeat this, like “Your Aunt is trying to kill all of you”, I get offended. You shouldn’t talk that way about my family!
This seems perfectly unnatural. It has always put me in terribly awkward situations. I might only repeat it to ensure that you know I am listening. But I should NOT ever repeat it.
It makes sense when you think of it this way. You turn to me (and I to you) when we are sad or hurt. At times, when we are sad or hurt, we say smack about others. We say mean things about people that hurt or offend us. So, if I talk smack about my Aunt, it’s because I need your shoulder to cry on. I still love my Aunt. You should feel licensed to repeat what I said. Which leads to …
5. If you state “you don’t know me” I shouldn’t try to convince you otherwise. Repeating everything you ever told me doesn’t mean I know you. At best, it means that my memory doesn’t suck too much. Your reasons for telling me what you told me, and how you told me, vary more than the # of condiment combinations that you can get at a What-A-Burger. (AN ASIDE: Go and have a Thick & Hearty A1 Steak Sauce Burger soon, they are EOLing it Dec 23). Following are a few reasons that you may have shared your thoughts with me”:
- Someone hurt your feelings. You were sad. You were mad. You vented.
- I wasn’t paying attention. You made the story more exciting by tossing in a few unreal events.
- You were trying, with the sweetest intents, to communicate with me on my lower level.
- You were too caught up with “us” (see #2 above) and forgot how to describe your event as “you”.
- You were ashamed or guilted (thank God) into only telling me half the story, right up until the point that you got handcuffed. You never really wanted me to know that you went to jail and that while in jail, the really crazy part of the story occurred.
6. Memories are not selective. Perceptions of past events are often diffent. Especially if the past event is retold from the man’s perspective vs. the woman’s.
It is very likely that I may have told you that the dog training bill was due last tuesday around 5:37 pm. What I failed to notice was that you had just heard from your sister’s best friend’s daughter was just diagnosed with terminal halitosis. You were thinking about her. You weren’t listening.
What I percieved as a nod of understanding when I told you, was instead, a a nod of sadness about the news you recieved. Arguing over memories is a super-duper-dumb-ass-vapid-suck-turd-painful thing to do. Everyone looses.
